Lyrics to a song I'm digging

"I Am Nothing" by Jeremy Camp (check him out on iTunes)

He seems always in this place,
Where the things I seem to take,
Are the things I wish would fade
I always purpose in my heart,
Well to do things the right way,
Then I realize I’m still clay
And this piece that’s being shaped,
Will be a beauty you create

[CHORUS]
I am nothing without Your love
I’m unworthy but Your death has been enough
I’m completed by Your touch,
But I feel like I’ve been given so much so I thank You,
I thank You

I wouldn’t even face,
All the troubles of the day,
If it wasn’t for Your grace
Sometimes I even wait,
To see if I’m awake,
Seems so good I can’t relate
And Your every word I crave,
And I’m grateful for every breath I take

[CHORUS]

When I’m feeling all my shame,
You won’t let it stay,
I sail away into Your love
I’m taking every day,
To give my life away,
It’s the only way I know

I am nothing without Your love
I’m unworthy but Your death has been enough
I’m completed by Your touch,
But I feel like I’ve been given so much I am nothing
You are everything
So I thank you. I thank you
Lord I thank you
I thank you

Follow-up since I saw a neurologist

God is sooo good! We got in with a neurologist on Friday that actually displayed *compassion*... he’s not thrilled with how my brain MRI looked (ahem, neither am I! Duh) but what he said was encouraging. Basically the only visible/bothersome symptom I have right now is the optic neuritis and we missed our golden opportunity to do IV steroids to help restore my vision quickly (I could just slap my neuron ophthalmologist right now for not recommending/prescribing that on the first visit, now that it’s 3 weeks later!)

So he’s ordered 2 more MRIs (cervical and thoracic) and blood work to rule out some basic stuff (Lyme disease, etc) but we’re all pretty sure it’s MS so that’s the route we’re going. He ran me through all the simple psychical tests (squeeze my hands, touch your nose, remember these 3 words, naming random objects, recall those 3 words, walk a straight line, and on and on) and overall I felt positive after we left. This guy will at least get us some final answers and he recommended that, assuming it’s MS 100%, that I’d probably start Interferon which is a pretty powerful drug by injection at home – so no hospitalization, and it would likely be 3x a week at a low dose. I have a negative reaction in my mind about Interferon only bc it was the drug my dad took throughout his 4-yr battle with cancer(s) and he was so ill on it that I’m a bit leary BUT I’m sure I’d be on a much lower dose, and I’ll do as is recommended.

Next Sunday night, most likely, my Pastor and his wife would like to gather some folks to have a prayer session for me. I was so touched by their reaction when we had some time with them privately on Sunday night after evening service. I told them how Sunday I got up with a new resolve - the pity party is OVER. I had a moment to be super devastated and now that's over and I can move on with whatever is ahead. I already feel better - my eyesight is restoring (slowly, but it's coming back and that's what really matters) and the numbness in my right hand is all but gone and the sensation of heat down my right leg is mostly gone as well. Praise God!

So that’s my update. 2 MRIs and bloodwork this week and no appointments so I might have a prayer of having a normal week. Tim’s traveling to our college this week for our game Friday night -- we’re ranked #18 (our first time ranked in the top 20 ever!!!!) So he’s super excited. The game is Friday night so I will be watching to see his red head somewhere in the sold-out crowd. You should watch too - ESPN , big time!

Official

I met with the (jerky) nerve eye doc yesterday and his conclusion after seeing the brain MRI is that I am facing MS. Phew, that was even kinda hard to write out loud.

He was also more urgent in that he thinks I need to be hospitalized this weekend to start an IV steroid treatment and I tend to not agree, at least not until I get some deeper understanding of the pros/cons/purpose/expected results.

My eyesight has improved a lot (field vision test proved I can see the top half of my visual perception but the bottom, especially bottom right, is still impaired) and that’s just one week with no drugs or treatment so I’m optimistic. He did find me a neurologist to see me today so I will head out around noon and go see this new neurologist – of course I have none of my charts, records, etc since my old neurologist kinda flew the coop and his assistant at his new clinic is off today so of course things fall apart! Assistants rule the world, God bless em!

So that’s where I’m at. I’m a bit of a basket case otherwise I would have called you all personally My Kleenex box hasn’t been far from my hand ;) But everyone here at work has been so supportive that I know this will be something I can make it through, that God’s purpose in all this will become evident one day, and that this is just one hiccup in the road for me.

Thanks for your prayers . More updates to come.

"Diagnosis" and MRIs

Your prayers are appreciated... here's why. Basically I saw the nerve eye doc last week who said what I appear to have is optic neuritis (inflamation of the optic nerve, most often associated with MS, but not always, temporary loss of vision, can come and go, not sure when it will improve, no gaurantee vision will come back to 100%) and that sounded like a totally wimpy diagnosis. It's like going to a doctor with a broken ankle and having them go "yep, it's inflamed and swollen" without addressing the broken bone or the discomfort.

He ordered bloodwork and 2 MRIs - one of my brain and one of my eyes which are scheduled for 8:15 tonight. PLEASE, I dont ask for pray often, but please go to God on my behalf and pray, pray hard, pray for answers, pray for it to not be what many are suspecting, and pray that God's will be done through all of this to somehow bring about good.

I go back to that doc tomorrow to hear the results but I'm still not trusting an eye doc to make such a dramatic diagnosis as a possible neurological (uncurable but modertately treatable) disorder. I've been on a quest for a new neurologist bc while I liked mine he's apparently changing practices, not seeing patients, not taking insurance - blah blah. So I've scheduled some new ones who wont see me until the 2nd week of October. I dont know how they can sleep at night knowing patients are going without treatment bc they only see new patients at certain times...

My eyesight is improving. Yesterday I could see there were lines of type on my computer screen, the day before it would have been a white box. I couldnt read the lines of course. Light colors are hardest to see, and I have been driving (so watch out!) I've been working the entire time and thankfully my company has been supportive but knowing they have laid people off in recent months doesn't make it easy taking so much time to deal with health issues. It's amazing how things change in such a short period of time, and I stink at asking for help. I've had to rely on coworkers and Tim for a lot lately and while I know they support me I just hate feeling like I'm burdening people. It's almost worse when someone offers to help me bc I just get reminded that I'm having a hard time with something.

So, again, please pray :)

Update (long overdue, sorry!)

I promise I will do a DC trip recap once Tim gets home with my camera transfer cord so I can share the pics from the end of the trip. The more time we spend up here the more we really love it! And how could you not -- there's tons to see, places to go, great food. I could see us living here one day.

Here's an update on my health: (anyone not in the loop - SHAME ON YOU for not reading my blog daily... kdding) I'm doing well under the circumstances. I havent been able to keep everyone as posted as I'd like, but my eyesight is kinda improving (I'm basically 90% blind in my left eye) and I'm tired of doctors and appointments and not being able to drive, but God is working in me and through this somehow for his Glory so I just have to figure it will be clear to be someday.

Basically the neuro-opthamologist diagnosed me with "optic neuritis" which I've not yet researched -- basically 50% of the time it's associated with MS, 50% of the time it's not (nice odds I think?) So he's ordered bloodwork and another MRI and I go back to see him next Thursday. I've been able to work this entire time and he even said I can start driving again if I'm comfortable with it. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends and coworkers who have helped shuttle me around, kept me from banging into walls and being clumsy, and they often forget there is anything wrong with me which tells me I'm doing a good job of keeping my outlook up.

The doc today said 90% of people with this condition do regain at least 90% of their vision and I'm pleased with those odds as well -- of course my eyes before we're all that great, I've worn glasses/contacts since early in high school. I fasted today and prayed - the power of fasting is so amazing -- I figured when I felt hunger pangs it would remind me to take a moment to pray, but I found I was almost never hungry so I had to find other ways to take moments away and steal time with God -- through all of this I do feel truly blessed. My friends and family are carrying me through, so thank you for your prayers and kind words - I feel each one, and theyre working to change my condition and the overall attitude I have towards this challenge.

God Bless you all!!!!

DC photos

Hey! We're still on our trip but wanted to show our most recent photos. My camera died and I wasnt able tto find a place to sell me a charger until today but here's pics from most of yesterday and I will continue to add to the album

http://s198.photobucket.com/albums/aa120/Kekukila/DC%20Trip%20Sept%202007/

Enjoy!

Overall updates

Ok, here's a quick recap since I dont have much time before really needing to go pack:

-- Another AC repair person was here and found a huge gash in our outside line which was leaking freon --- and he said it looked too clean to have just happened. Bottom line, we think one of the previous contractors cut the line in the hopes that we would call him back and spend money with a service agreement with him. JERK! And the guy today also found the electrical to the breaker of the unit was mis-installed which could have caused a fire so he re-routed but we're going to have to have an electrician come when we get back. For now at least it's pretty darn cool in here.

-- Cooper doesn't know it yet but he's being dropped off at the pet resort tomorrow for 4 days for R&R. Swimming, elevated beds, other dogs to socialize with-- he'll be in heaven. I hope.

-- Lastly, my health - I ask all of you for urgent prayers. My health has hit a downturn. I prefer to think of it as temporary and minor but I really dont know. Basically, I cannot see of of my left eye (so I apologize for any typos!) It started suddenly and I really thought it was a simple eye infection from wearing my contacts too long or something of that sort. You can imagine my surprise when I made an appointment for today with my eye doc, who was on vacation so I saw her younger partner, and when she shined the light in my eye she started to look aggitated, kept doing it over and over again, and finally called in another doctor -- they basically gave me 2 choices right there on the spot: (1) have Tim come meet me and take me immediately to an opthamologist or (2) they were calling 911 to get me rushed to the hospital so I'd have a better chance of being seen by someone in the ER. Clearly I chose to have Tim come get me. They would let me drive (but shhhh, I did anyways considering I had driven to the eye doc's office and there's no reason to leave a car there when we live about 7 mins away)... but we did then report immediately to the opthamologist they recommended. His tests were somewhat inconclusive, but that same dreaded disorder came up again... "MS". This doc seems to be confident that what I have is an irritation behind the optic nerve, not actual nerve damage (very good news considering) but that since a lot of other signs have pointed to MS in the past (and the present for that matter) he really thinks we're heading that way towards a positive diagnosis. He did say what I probably have is 50% of the time related to MS and 50% of the time not related to anything more than genetics, inflamation or something like that. So, your prayers on my behalf are requested. He did say he thought my vision would be restored on its own, and that he didnt see anything too worrysome for long-term effects BUT in the short term, I can't see anything other than a little in my peripheral of the left eye and this just started Sunday so you can imagine how quick and scary this is.

Crazy as it may be, I'm still going on my DC trip with Tim tomorrow. But I did make an appointment with a neuro-opthamalogist for when I get back. And I'm having to think of what to do when Tim's gone (carpooling to work, relying on someone to take me to doc appts... and I *hate* being dependent on anyone so that may be the worst of all of this. And I make my living at a computer writing, editing, designing, etc so a vision problem is the worst case scenario. Luckily my boss and company and coworkers are being amazing so I pray that will continue as well.

-- Ok, enough bringing everyone down. Let me reveal the word from God I received last week (before all this eye stuff got in the way)--- I felt like God was telling me I was going to be a published author - specifically that He wanted me to write devotionals. Whether it was a daily email for women, or an actual 365-day book I dont know. But what I do know is I need to know more about the Bible and its teachings so I plan to enroll in the Moody Bible institute's online Bible certification where basically I can select 10 courses and receive continuing education credits (non-degree seeking) it's really affordable ($49 /class) and it's self paced, no tests per se, and all online. So, I guess once this vision is cleared up I will continue on that quest. It's so excited when you get a slap in the face from God (that amazing "AH HA" moment, so for this to be happening after I was on such a high last week knowing God really had a plan and purpose for me it's a blow to my plans - but God has HIS PLAN and that ultimately trumps mine any day.

Thanks for your prayers!!!